I'm writing my ticket to Peru

There are moments when I feel I have lived a lifetime.  Whether its the creak in the back reminding me of poor lifting techniques over the years or squinting to focus the eyes a little more each day, something is always there to remind me.  My kids are getting up there 21, 18, 16, 13...looking back to when we joked about what life would be like when they were all teenagers!!  Well its not all motorcycle rides, cruises, and baseball vacations.  I can't really pick a moment in time where one decision, one cosmic collision changed the course of this life, it doesn't exist.

A majority of the events in this life have been great, filled with happy and joyful people living life and loving each other.  There have been too many other times that don't fit the picture.  The saving grace is that it hasn't been a lifetime, there is hope, its not a fairy tale I'd want my kids to see, it would be scary, dark, embarrassing, sad, and a real debbie downer...until the second half.  I don't really know how it ends, but it gets better.

There were always challenges from the start, but they didn't feel like obstacles, just things we did everyday.  We were young and unmarried and expecting at 19 and 21 years old.  Complications on both sides with young people in love and not always sure what we were doing, but it worked.  We could share cookie recipes in the grocery store parking lot, or pass the time at dennys at 1am writing silly notes back and forth on the placemats.  It worked, but wasn't work.  I had a good job, moved up quickly and we saw our family grow.  She worked from home with other kids, or at the church, and eventually into photography.  We were mostly home bodies, computer games, xbox, chat rooms and message boards, no clubs, bars, parties for the most part...4 kids by 30.  It used to be funny, a ton of my friends thought we were crazy to get married, "it will last 6 months"...well the day after our 22 anniversary I took a step that I could no longer avoid.  There will be more steps to take before this lifetime is over, I hang every hopeful piece of my being that the first step was taken in time.

I knew fairly young that my dad struggled with addiction, and the few memories I have of his dad were surrounded by alcohol.  My mom did a wonderful job keeping me away from the influences they could have had on me.  She worked her ass off to provide a great childhood for me.  I went to a private school for half my education and used that great start to excel in school.  She warned me a few times about my alcohol, nothing to direct just "be careful".  I didn't start drinking at an early age 16 and a half was the first time I ever had more than a sip.  Watching the movie the first time through, you might have missed it, but watch it a second time and it hits like a hammer!  Wow...bacardi151 mixed with frozen punch mix, so sweet you couldn't taste the 151...top it off with a little weed for the first time. It makes me wonder how many times I have actually stuck with just having one...but anyway we were down the ravene in Ramona (black canyon)  all stupid drunk.  Climbing up the hill at god knows when to sleep in the cars on the road.  I wake up in the drivers seat puking up pink slushy all over my white shirt.  My buddy, whos car it is, wakes up and moves his "bed" to the trunk of his car on top of the spare tire.  A couple hours and one stop are McDs with my pink puke shirt no less, and I'm home, hard to hide that from mom.  This became the first destination drunk, coining "Black Canyon Drunk".

I think I was in control way back then...well I guess I thought I was, now not so much.  When we were married she was pregnant but also 21...she could buy the booze but not drink!  I am sure that if this wasn't the unedited version of the story I would leave that on the cutting room floor, as I know there were probably too many mini celebrations of that luxury.  I drank hard ciders then, hornsbys or malts in Zima!!  I would have probably drank more often if I liked beer, it always seemed to be around our evening gatherings.  Miller genuine draft is not my go to beer...but I know I had a few.  We would go through stages through the years, boxed wine, lots of blue mountains, we filled the recycle bins before the trash bins many weeks.  we did stay away from hard stuff for a long time.  The night our first was conceived we were doing goldschlager shots along with tequila...

I don't remember how it started slipping.  I went on a trip to Phx from San Diego, following pearl jam for a concert, got a tattoo, went to a crazy party with a dress code of strippers and pimps, somehow as the married guy I got the fat suit lady stripper costume to stay out of trouble...we also stopped at the store for my friend goldschlager.  I poured a red solo cup full of the goldschlager and started going to town.  It didn't last long.  I did a somersault over the back of a lawn chair in ten mins, danced on the pole in the living room, then locked myself in the backroom puking my guts out...in what seems like the span of 30 mins.  The only bathroom mind you...in which I slept in the tub covered in puke, tended to by my watchful guardian J.  This became "phoenix drunk", until we moved here then we don't like to talk about it...I mean a concert is one thing.  Drunk shenanigans, tattoo, while you are at home nursing a baby with 2 other little ones.  The booze wasn't a motivator then...but it wasn't helping.  I think thats about the time I started fixing heavier beverages at home...vodka redbulls, enough once to get so sick I don't like redbull 14 years later...vodka was forgiven..."was".

Eventually I moved on to whisky and cokes.  Crown Royal in the 1.75oz from costco, hopefully with a coupon.  Little purple backs all over, always fascinated by the different type of bubbles you get from a jack and coke vs a crown and coke.  It's amazing that this part never occurred to me until this moment: this is when the urge to disguise a drink started.  I recognized what or when or how much I was drinking was frowned upon.  A drink with dinner became a drink while making dinner, and with, and after.  Then to get out of work clothes and into a tall adult beverage to "having a drink already"  yep a little hair of the dog...I was being smart, saving the bar costs, not drinking and driving, and was home.  I remember fixing a drink and the foam a jack makes in the soda leaves a little crust, like a rootbeer float bubble.  I would wipe it down with my finger and hope the whiskey wasn't in the air.  After having a drink at an inappropriate time I would wash the cup for residue...smell or bubbles.

This is where I think I stood a chance to listen if the ghosts of my future, past and present came to visit me.  It was before some of the physical nature of the addiction was taking over.  I could go days with out drinking, or could I?  It seems like I did back then, but now I'm not sure.  I think the lie becomes the delusional reality...But I know I was capable of listening.  I would have been skeptical, I was young still, a lot of really good things going for me.  Our 4th on the way, just bought a house, new job, life was good, let me enjoy it my way.  You could have shown me my dad both in the now of 2003, living practically on the streets of skid row, clean from what I gather...but still a drinker and not a good one.  I didn't know him then, or now really.  But I would have listened, and it would have reminded me of my mom's warnings.  I wonder what she saw in me that worried her.  You could take me to the future, Dad's gone with the drunken fight to blame, my career path has so many curves in it the streets of san fransisco seem straight...(now thats funny)(unless its not, but its my story)  I might have listened.

This about the time of my first close call, not first bad choice to drive after drinking...but first for what could have been the wakeup call, could have ended a hundred friendships before they began, ended a marriage at 6 years not 23, wow that fucking hurts.  Seemed like a simple night, after work beers with the Franchise and Mr. Fun.  Gordon Beirsch Marzen, by far my favorite at the time, but very heavy content.  a couple was all it took, 20 miles from home mostly freeway...we both take off at the same time, and head the same way...he is leading as we get on the freeway.  The blue lights flash, and whip around me and pull the franchise over, why not me?  We had the same everything but luck.  Maybe I had the bad luck then, maybe getting pulled over would have been the wakeup...nope.

Now if you took me then and showed me sitting here writing this down, it would be the end of the story.  No ifs ands or butts...but there is no ghost in this story.

So now its crown and diets, or Fuzzy J's, or a mix of 7up and two Malibu's every night.  Order a drink anytime we go out to eat.  Breakfast?  Bloody mary!  Plane flight jack please!  Broke a bottle of Malibu once late at night, to late to replace....you have thought the dog died.  Wake up feeling like shit, everyday...oh shit is the new normal.  Have a drink, thats better...ah shit you drank it all last night!  Too early to get something now...plan ahead next time.

July 2003, a trip to Boston for Pearl Jam!  A concert in a great town, sweet hotel ( a dump really but it was in Boston)  and a yanks sox game in Fenway!!!  Typically not much drinking around a pj show...before wasn't too bad but after the show.  I remember ordering the staple Crown and Diet, Usher's "yeah" was huge on the dance floor, yeah I know why I think of Boston every time I hear it...several rounds in they run out of crown.  We move along, theres plenty of bars!  When the second bar runs out of crown, we are either not alone in drinking it, drunk and being cutoff, or self sabotaging out ability to make a huge tab...the third bar is either stuff of legend or exaggeration...funny it was a point of pride for a long time, like a badge of fucking honor.  Roll over in bed the next day, look around the room and try to piece the night back together.  Pizza box on the night stand "you ordered pizza this morning??"  I clearly didn't remember stopping at the liquor slash pizza store and eating there before finding the hotel...and how we did that I don't know...

Work travel starts to become more and more frequent, dinners out with the team, meetings in fla and La...everyone knew crown for JD, not one in my hand?  Someone would fix that....my first meeting after being promoted, again a story I told for a long time as "funny" a rite of passage.  I was disgustingly hungover for the meetings on day two.  Sat in the back, pale, and clammy running to the bathroom to yack...what I would have given for a shot.  The next meeting I learned my lesson and let the new guy fuck it up, and we relished that I wasn't as bad as the new guy before me! I had a meeting several years before where the boss was buying, and I had big interviews the next day...I puked all over the tub in the room...my room mate was not pleased...the rest of the time I was happy go lucky J.  I would flirt with the stewardess to get beer, always had a few colleagues that were fond of a guy who didn't know how to but would get people up to dance.   Close calls number 2-6?

Number 7...when the poor planning was a problem in supply, I would have to try to make the last drink last until the morning.  Half of a beverage on the night stand to start the day!! I don't know when this started, at least when I was trying to hide it started, it went from the the remnants from the night before to a full scale drink.  Oh I don't have to be in until 1030...one I'm still ok.  two, fine just shower and shave and teeth...don't forget the teeth.  Off to work...forgot the teeth.  Pulled over a block from work, knowing he can see I'm not 100% in control of the bike, he has to smell it right??  Again luck, good or bad I'm not sure.  I surely would have lost my job then and there, who knows what else?  Was it the second time?  Good bye family...ticket for a light and proof of insurance, and a need to change my pants.

Number 8, a couple in me early in the am...off to work for another mid.  By this time I'm in a good and respected position headed for bigger things.  Assistant pulls me aside, hey you smell like booze??  Well I was up late and didn't get a shower...a shit.  Boss makes mention during a review of my team, hey I hear the drinking might be a problem?  Nah that's not me...Drinking gets worse as we lose one car to repo, lose the house to the bank, and all of which may have been preventable with out bankruptcy...if i had asked for help, with anything ever. ever.  I am the one who helps, gives, provides, jumps in, saves the day...who could help me and not see I am weak.  Go the the gym and come home tired if sleep is an issue, eat better if your stomach and digestive system is fucked, spend 50 bucks on a message if stress has you wound up like a cheap ass drumming monkey.

Eventually poor choices and stupidity cost me another job and created another fine opportunity to make a bad choice...reach out and ask for help or take help that was offered and start fresh on some crazy adventure, far from the things that reminded me of how fucked up things were...Montana.  It wasn't all bad, I learned to hunt, and stuff, and can install and fix sprinklers, made good friends.  But lost another job, that was far to easy, and "below my value"  but mostly just didn't care enough and started going home for lunch to have a drink, even took a few back with me in the 64oz cups...went back to sprinklers as a safety net.  It was a job, I could say I had one...this is where I want to stop writing.  Shame over the story sets in.  If you are here, or you know or even suspect anyone is here in this moment, lost of all hope, thinking there is no way to quit, no point, no cure, drink it all til its gone or you're gone.  Stop, breathe.

I don't know what will work to help you stop, or get them to stop, but its possible.  I didn't know it yet.  Enter Stan Lee, not the famed comic guy, a perfect vessel for a little ice and a mikes hard cherry lime aid.  2 a day, one before lunch and one after, pretty much every day.  Out and about driving, installs, whatever the mikes had me fueled and ready to not face anything.  Almost got in trouble once for someone drinking the homeowners whiskey on a new job, wasn't me but how ironic would it have been to lose that job and not even commit the crime.  About this time close call 9?  I'm trying to work out, walking/running getting outside.  Really just a reason to get a drink without being bothered, have a mikes in the car as I'm headed down the highway with expired tags...officer asked if I just put a chew in as it smelled sweet...no sir that's my booze.  For whatever luck...let me go no ticket nothing...

Come home most days, pour more vodka, pretend to love the outdoors while the walls were caving in around me...wife not happy, seeks comfort in the words of another.  Kids unhappy as they see moms unhappy...even things she tries like going out with friends get fucked up because drunk me is sometimes a jealous ass.  This is when the quitting starts...oh wait I started smoking...hid that poorly.  Quit eventually, but started quitting booze.  First one was terrible, shakes shimmy, sweats, puke....physically I was fucked.  Vomit this clear slime anytime i wasn't drinking.  that turned to bile...sometimes to blood.  couldn't pass the firefighter testing, bp too high, and for me it was too long without booze.  Coaching baseball was hard...make home after practice for 2 hours?  Barely.  a couple times we tried...a lot of teas, and message, back scratches, water trips, covering for me being sick not detoxing.  None held

Finally started to really look for work back in phx, took a job working for the Cardinal Management group.  Phone interview and first were a lock for a great paying sales role..but it was a scam, I fell for in part to booze, I clear mind would have seen it a mile away.  I wanted out for her, getting back to phx whatever it took.  I took a job for a day as a plumber!  Got everyone here, moved into a house with friends (don't ever try this)  it worked to get us here but I'd have a different plan...not sure what, but anything would have been better.

NEW job falls in place...everything is great, or getting there.  Here comes the booze, slowly makes its way into the same routine, a little before.  Find something on lunch to full boar vodka soda in the cup, to 3-4 mikes a shift.  EVERYDAY.  Get a shot to prove I need a store, promptly fuck that up by getting drunk and falling asleep...how I kept my job...not sure.  Spent the next year trying twice more to detox, came close after continuing to come home buzzed, get drunk and pass out.  sneaking out at 6am to buy mikes to wake up...picking up mikes after taking kids to school, got drunk again and called for help getting home...got in an ugly fight and inexcusably hit her.  She left took the kids, and left...they came home.  But nothing will be the same.  Changing that moment seems like the easy call to send back the ghost of me to stop that face first dive into an abyss.  Wake up call? nope...

Well its been 59 days now.  Its not over.  I am an addict, I am not in control of that and don't think I'll ever be.  I've hurt everyone.  If you are reading this, and know me, you're probably thinking one of two things : no way i had no idea it was this bad....or holy shit now it all makes sense.  I don't know why I stopped when I did, I'm very afraid its too late to save my marriage.  The sequence of events I can't forgive myself for, I wish she could but if I can't...at least now.  I know if I'm lucky enough for grand kids, I'll be clean and sober for them.  I'll get to walk jj down the aisle.  See graduations, careers, spouses, watch the love of my life age gracefully and bloom into an awesome grandmother.  I will run the tough mudder, I will face my dads demons and visit him and skid row, I will learn to surf, I will be recognized for being good at my job, giving it my all and making a difference.

Find your things that you will not sacrifice any more.  Know that you will lose them.  The booze may numb you enough to fall asleep, only to wake you in hours for more.  It may silence the demons and you can convince yourself they're not leaving, your not getting fired, your not wasting money left and right.


Take action, pick one thing and do it, fix it, read it, join it, pour it out.  Ask for help, find a meeting, find support and share your story.  I often wondered how bad this will sound to someone who knows me...or doesn't.  Does is seem impossible or is this nothing compared to your story?